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wolven7Let's simply write, and see what we come up with. I don't know why i hate myself, so much, sometimes. I feel like no one gets me, and like there will never be a sense of understanding. Only people trying to Fix the way i am, and the way i work. i don't want to be fixed. Everything about myself, i like, and i dislike what it does to my perception and experience of the universe, in equal measure, so i'm forced with the choice of changing myself which i like and love, or living in a world that hurts me, and causes me a good deal of pain. I also hate myself for making and having childish statements and feelings, such as those. But i feel those things, due to the parts of myself... &c.
i pigeon holed myself. I put myself into a set of choices and options that would cause me the most pain, and turmoil. But why? is it t make myself stronger... Fuck it, i don't like this line of questioning. It's making me sick. I did it because. At that point something in me probably still hated all of me, and the world. Gods... i do still hate myself. I push others away, and i hurt them, when they try to help me, and then i hate myself for it, because there's nothing i can do to change it... I want someone who'll stay... Someone who won't be pushed away, no matter how hard i push. Cause once i push as far as i can go, once, that's it. There'll be no more pushing. And i'll take that, from anyone... I do, all the time... Why are we different... why are my actions and reactions so different different from those around me, when all other things are so similar? Why is it so hard to work together, understand, and harmonise, even WITH the differences?
The sameness of the universe is getting to me... It's repeating patterns, and cycles. And i used to like that. i used to love it. But now i see that it's nothing but a redundancy, put it for those who can't learn the first tyme around. Because of THOSE PEOPLE, we are all forced to deal with repeating patterns in our lives. Life doesn't do what we want, beause of this. We can't simply have a set pattern or random and different things, whenever we want them, because of this. And a self-imposed pattern is better than a pattern impossed by something Other. I may be part of the All, but my incarnate form has some serious trouble reconsciling the fact that my being Part of the all does not lend me control OVER, at the very least, my Part of the All.
All=All. My part of the all may, infact, include seveal ther people, and things, but i should be able to work With them, to get the ruslts i want, and they should be able to do the same. Yes, i am using the word should, because i'm aiming at a specific outcome. Why are all of my ideals so Utopian? There's no hope for them. They drag me down, the more i think about them. The more detail i have, the more i get depressed. I travel the gammut. Gods i need a drink. So i don't know why i do this, yet. I don't want to look inside, and find out, which means i should. I don't make things any harder for myself than they Are. If i do so, it is out of ignorance, not out of subconscious desire. Shit... My brain....
I feel that beginning quote, right now.. I don't know what's going on, and i don't like ignorance, and, as always, there is a war within myself. The nature of the war is that of the conversation, between Destruction, and Death. "Why do they keep doing that to themselves, if they know everything?" "Because they couldn't function, otherwise." I think i've blinded myself with too much information. But i may simply need to integrate the information... Bleh...
I feel more calm, now.... Not better, really, simply more calm. Beieve it or not, a lot of this may be the result of nervousness, and edginess, at the change of quitting smoking. *sigh* I really need to find my own place. Like SOON. i need a place where i can do the Majik stuffs i need to do, and a place Where I can be Alone, and Meditate, without all this other hectic Shite, about which to worry. If and when i have that... well, it'll just be one more Glitch out of the system, then, won't it? Speaking of which, i think it may be tyme to go defrag myself. First i have to figure out an lj tag thing..... Got it..
Dream Well
i pigeon holed myself. I put myself into a set of choices and options that would cause me the most pain, and turmoil. But why? is it t make myself stronger... Fuck it, i don't like this line of questioning. It's making me sick. I did it because. At that point something in me probably still hated all of me, and the world. Gods... i do still hate myself. I push others away, and i hurt them, when they try to help me, and then i hate myself for it, because there's nothing i can do to change it... I want someone who'll stay... Someone who won't be pushed away, no matter how hard i push. Cause once i push as far as i can go, once, that's it. There'll be no more pushing. And i'll take that, from anyone... I do, all the time... Why are we different... why are my actions and reactions so different different from those around me, when all other things are so similar? Why is it so hard to work together, understand, and harmonise, even WITH the differences?
The sameness of the universe is getting to me... It's repeating patterns, and cycles. And i used to like that. i used to love it. But now i see that it's nothing but a redundancy, put it for those who can't learn the first tyme around. Because of THOSE PEOPLE, we are all forced to deal with repeating patterns in our lives. Life doesn't do what we want, beause of this. We can't simply have a set pattern or random and different things, whenever we want them, because of this. And a self-imposed pattern is better than a pattern impossed by something Other. I may be part of the All, but my incarnate form has some serious trouble reconsciling the fact that my being Part of the all does not lend me control OVER, at the very least, my Part of the All.
All=All. My part of the all may, infact, include seveal ther people, and things, but i should be able to work With them, to get the ruslts i want, and they should be able to do the same. Yes, i am using the word should, because i'm aiming at a specific outcome. Why are all of my ideals so Utopian? There's no hope for them. They drag me down, the more i think about them. The more detail i have, the more i get depressed. I travel the gammut. Gods i need a drink. So i don't know why i do this, yet. I don't want to look inside, and find out, which means i should. I don't make things any harder for myself than they Are. If i do so, it is out of ignorance, not out of subconscious desire. Shit... My brain....
I feel that beginning quote, right now.. I don't know what's going on, and i don't like ignorance, and, as always, there is a war within myself. The nature of the war is that of the conversation, between Destruction, and Death. "Why do they keep doing that to themselves, if they know everything?" "Because they couldn't function, otherwise." I think i've blinded myself with too much information. But i may simply need to integrate the information... Bleh...
I feel more calm, now.... Not better, really, simply more calm. Beieve it or not, a lot of this may be the result of nervousness, and edginess, at the change of quitting smoking. *sigh* I really need to find my own place. Like SOON. i need a place where i can do the Majik stuffs i need to do, and a place Where I can be Alone, and Meditate, without all this other hectic Shite, about which to worry. If and when i have that... well, it'll just be one more Glitch out of the system, then, won't it? Speaking of which, i think it may be tyme to go defrag myself. First i have to figure out an lj tag thing..... Got it..
Dream Well
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Damn..
Date: 2002-07-26 09:09 am (UTC)The fact that no one gets you shouldn't be a source of pain. At least not exclusively. I don't know how to tell you not to hate yourself except just to say that. You really shouldn't be. And you really should distance yourself from those people who are catalyzing these feelings. IMO, you can't count someone who causes you to feel that way as a friend. Or at least not as a close one. I've done it. It sucks at first, but you do find youself happier with life when you're not wondering 'why the fuck do I hang with these people?'
-The Mechanical One, rambling a bit too early
Re: Damn..
Fooling around, dealing with the dealing...
The result of this is that it is hard to annoy me. When a person puts the proper effort into getting me to go away (i.e., telling me they want me to go away and meaning it), I do. However.
While something about the way you wrote the "No matter how hard I push" makes me think it's referring to someone you wish to love, and I have no intention of filling that void...
Now that I know you want me not to be pushed away, you're never going to see the end of me. I'll be there for ya till it makes you SICK! MWA-haha-HAHAHAHA!
Re: Fooling around, dealing with the dealing...