Well, tonight has kind of sucked... Getting better...

Geinoh Yamashirogumi - [Mutation]--- Firstly, i couldn't open the necessary readings, for tonight, from home, until just now. I could only get to the abstract page, which did shite all. Had to go through the author's page, and find the pdf file, there, which is numbered differently. Luckily, I can count, and add, and subtract, and things. So that's printing. Now i simply feel stupid that it took me this long, to work it out.

Second bit was the feeling extremely ill, from the delicious Chinese food I had, for dinner. It was really good. I feel really sick.

Tori Amos - [Lust]--- Picked mech_angel up from the MARTA station. Stupid busses. Stupid not having a car.

I need to go write... But before i do: Welcome Kal-El Coppola Cage, to the world. (Michael Andrews - [Burn It to the Ground]). This can only stand, if Nick Cage changes his name (again) to "Jor-El".

Tool - [Stinkfist]--- Off for reading and writing.

I'm going to be up until fucking four am...

Things I notice, because of classes.

You could find that your social life goes through some noticeable changes today, WOLVEN. You might find that your usual friends are busy with their own lives right now. Maybe it's time to start to get to know some new people. Invite an acquaintance out for drinks and share life stories. Be open to new social settings like coffeehouses, bookstores, or workshops. You'll soon find some friends that share your same wavelength.

Warren Zevon - [Angel Dressed in Black]--- The experience of conscious will is an effort of the mind to reconcile the nature of it chosen mechanisms (universal), with the apparently determined nature of the things around it.

It's been a very long time since I've had one of those mornings, where I can't garner the strength of will to move my body, and get up. I have chosen my path, and I continue to chose to do the things necessary to keep me moving, along it. My choices of that path, and these movements, come from a long line of factors, in my life, the effects of which reside in my brain, mind, and body. (Tricky - [Strugglin']). Soul as well, if you like. This causal chain can be traced back to the begining of the universe, wherein I (we) decided that something was better than nothing.

Will is the Fiat Lux that we have been missing. Everything appears determined, because it is-- We Are-- determined to make it so.

'Excerpt from a book that doesn't exist: ". . . We cause ourselves to be created, through the choices we make, and we are therefore the puppets on our own strings. It is our [will] that makes us dance."'

Off to write, more.

Dreams

Dreams of helping a stalked collegue, finding out about, and removing her stalker. Something in there about a movie tat was a combination of "Legend," "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," and "Serenity." Mixings of character types and personalities were all over the place, and, when driving, we were also flying through space. Something about radio stations.

Time for a shower, and then to school, with me. I'll have more profound rreflections, then, I'm almost certain. Yes.

Later.

There is something wrong with my brain.

Rasputina - [My Orphanage]--- I got another B+ on a Critical Response. This bothers me. Greatly. Bothers me, in such large amount, that I am actually considering talking to my teachers, and trying to figure out what the fuck i'm doing wrong. I don't do that. Not ever. I have never needed to do this.

Tori Amos - [The Wrong Band]--- I don't know why this isn't A material, unless i'm doing too much summarisation of the articles, as a whole, and not enough of my own writing. I want the background there, for one thing, and for another, I want to make sure it can't be said that I didn't describe the author's position, well enough. This, within the constraints of length and content, makes it difficult to do everything that needs to be done. (QNTAL - [Palaestinalied]). Last time, it was 2.25 pages, with a lot of work and clarity. I don't know how to say these things more plainly...

I'm angry, with myself, for doing above average work, and there's something, there, blocking me from the level of excellence at which I would like to see myself.

There are many things wrong with my brain. My beautiful girlfriend has just reminded me that I am always very hard on myself. My mother reminded me, earlier, that I take (took) on the problems of others, far too often. To my own obvious detriment. (MC Chris - [Geek]). I've stopped playing counselor, so much as drill sergent, when brought problems. Maybe somewhere between.

I don't try to fix everything, for everyone, anymore. I could, and I know that, but that's not what I want for my life. And I really don't like the flavour of resentment. Spite, hatred, anger, sure. Not a fan of the feeling of people thinking you did somethin for them, because you didn't think they could do it, themselves. So I give tools. It's less draining, and I can focus, more. But there's something, here, still. Some set of sacrfices that aren't being properly performed. Some actions not being properly analysed and pre-thought. (Coldplay - [The Scientist]). I know this, because, as I say, I'm not doing the work I'd like to be doing. I'm in the 89-90 range, when I want 95 to be the lower limit. And no, it's not about the points.

I don't think i'm communicating my points effectively. Isn't that what this always comes to? I think that my professors are not quite getting what I'm saying, because i'm not quite saying it clearly enough, because i don't have the words, i don't have the skill i thought i had, to communicate. I'm worried.

I need to think about this, some more, and then send some e-mails. Set some appointments.

I'll see you later.